Monthly Archives: July 2016

The Closure I Needed

So there’s this guy… the same one that’s been sprinkled throughout my previous blogs.

We were a solid and happy relationship for about a year and a half and mostly on and partly off for a year. So no matter how you math it, two and a half years is a long time.

With regular precision, I always got teary eyed and emotional when we had to say goodbye for a stretch of time. There are many occasions where I’ve cried at the airport. The thought of not seeing him for so long got to me no matter how hard I tried to keep it together. Distance broke us up more than once, and every time I dropped him off at the airport I knew it could be the last time we would ever see each other.

There was a lot of strain near the end and I saw the breakup coming from a mile away. We fought via text then ghosted each other at the same time, like cold turkey stopped talking to each other without discussing our problems.

I have never been so heart broken.

I cried myself to sleep on more occasions than I should have. I cried in the car. I cried in the shower. I counted up the days like a recovering alcoholic, just knowing that every day I went without talking to him would be one day closer to a happier me. I was completely emotionally exhausted.

I found myself curled up in a ball on my bed so often, just praying myself to sleep. God, please take this pain away. Please give me the strength to move on. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to love myself again. All of this repeated over and over again just to feel better.

A couple of months later he drunk texted me saying that he missed me and blah blah. He caved first during our long silence and I felt good about it, but I wasn’t ready. Another month goes by and I was feeling a lot better about the situation – even starting to get over him. He mentioned wanting to come visit and I didn’t give him anything definitive to work with.

Flash forward a few months and I’m with my parents. They never really got briefed on the breakup so all they could do was ask questions about him and how he’s doing. It really got me missing him and he ended up booking a plane ticket to come see me.

We hung out and hooked up and fell back into our familiar patterns. I could tell that I’ve grown a lot as a person since our breakup. He gave me a certain nostalgic feel and it was comforting. I enjoyed 6 days of him in town, happy and normal, then took him to the airport.

I cried in the car on the way home… but it wasn’t because I was sad.

After he booked his plane ticket, I felt like I had made a mistake in encouraging him to visit. Like maybe I would suddenly fall back into his charm and have to start from ground zero. But seeing him again and feeling that change inside me was just the closure I needed. If I hadn’t seen him again I knew I would harbor that “what if I gave up the love of my life” feeling for years. But now I definitively knew that I was over him. Sometimes our decisions seem stupid and rash, but I know that this one happened for a reason. There were no more sad tears. I cried out of pure joy that my prayers for strength had been answered. It feels amazing to no longer feel bound by someone from your past. So for the very last time, I have cried over this guy. And maybe just maybe that will indeed be the last time I’ll ever see him.

I’m happily single and talking to a new guy now. He’s a jerk, but it’s something to work with.